2013 Reflections: Let Go and Let God

2013 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. It was full of so much hurt, pain and disappointments. So many heartaches and headaches that I cannot even number them all. I learned in this year at age 18 and 19 what most people don’t learn until their 30s. My relationships with other people seemed to get worse as my relationship with God got stronger. God begin revealing things to me that I wasn’t ready to accept. I wasn’t ready to let go of a lot of things and people that I knew were bringing me down. It took me all the way until this month, December, for me to truly understand everything and accept it. All the sleepless nights, all the nights I spent crying, all the people who showed me their true colors. It was all for a reason. I thought I was grown at the beginning of the year but now here, the last day of the year, I realize most of my growth came this month. I understand it all now. I truly do. I realize that I don’t look like what I been through. I realize that my greater is coming. I realize that I’m more than a conqueror. I realize I had to let go and let God.

To everyone that hurt me in 2013, no hard feelings. You were a lesson. I know I hurt some people as well, whether intentional or unintentional. I know I was probably a lesson to some people. It's life. People hurt people. But I made a choice. You should too. Choose to get BETTER not BITTER !

So while 2013 was the worst year of my life, it was also the best. You see, I grew from all the bad. Like Alicia Keys said, “Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned.” Although, I experienced so much pain, I’m thankful that I was able to learn from all the pain. I don’t have to go through that stuff again, because I passed the test. All the bad is in the past. So while this year was the best year of my life, it was also the worst year. And I’m confident that this will stay the worst year of my life, as each year will get better and better as God continues to bless me. It took me to lose everything to realize that I had to let go and let God.

.:JRSN:.

Do You Appreciate My Tears?

I try so hard to hold myself together. I desperately attempt to be strong. Seeking for answers, I always seem to do wrong.

The thing about pain is that it is inevitable. We cannot live our lives without pain. To go through life trying to escape pain, is to go through life without living at all. Pain is not the issue. The issue is how we let pain affect us. Some of us let our pain wear and tear on our mental and physical state of well-being. It drains us to the point where we feel we have nothing left to give. We go through life numb. We don’t allow our hearts to feel anything, because to open our heart would present an opportunity for pain to enter. By closing our hearts, we have closed the door to growth, insight and wisdom. Pain is not simply meant to hurt us. Pain is meant to teach us a lesson: to give us experience and knowledge in a memorable sense. We can associate our pain with memories, growth and insight.

I try so hard to feel something. I desperately attempt to open my heart. It isn’t easy. By closing my heart, I blocked my own joy, peace, and sense of fulfillment.  My closed heart didn’t just keep others out, but it kept me locked in. My spirit was not able to be at peace, because I was holding back the very essence of who I am: My love and care for others.

What is pain except the absence of comfort? Growth does not come until we exit our comfort zone and embark on the journey of the unknown.

I don’t shed many tears out in the open. I prefer to cry in the solitude of my own bedroom. So when you see my tears, don’t wonder why I cry. Don’t try to figure out who did me wrong and why. Don’t pretend to understand. My tears represent more than the pain that I have experienced. They represent my past, present and future. They represent the person that I was, am, and have yet to become. When you see my tears don’t be frightened or surprised. Just appreciate them because I’m giving you confirmation of my growth. 

.:JRSN:.

[ written 620/13 ]

Don't Force It

The hardest concept to understand is that God is spiritual and because of that, he doesn't work based on time. He sees our lives as a whole. If we try to make things happen before it's time, it won't work. Even if we're sure it's the right thing. If it's not the right time, it won't work till that time. The right thing at the wrong time can ruin us. It can crush our hopes and cause us to give up. We're too impulsive and we try to make things work, but if it's meant to be, it will be unmistakably clear at the right time. 

You may try and fail 100 times, when all you needed was 101. That right time. Sometimes we are so sure someone/something is meant to be in our lives, but we have confused their role in our lives. God brings everything in our lives for a reason that we may not even know and by trying to force it in a position where it doesn't belong we can mess up what it was actually meant to do in our lives.

Like trying to push a circle-shaped block into a triangle slot, it'll never work because that's not where it was intended to be. Eventually the circle will get damaged from trying to fit where it doesn't belong and when it finally gets to the circle slot, it'll be so damaged it won't fit properly. Don’t force it.

.:JRSN:.

Stop Playing the Victim

You have the main role in every aspect of your life. You need to be more focused and not let your feelings control you. You were not meant to be mediocre. You were meant to succeed.You were not meant to just survive. You were meant to thrive. Every situation that you have gone through has made you into who you are.  It's transforming you into who you are MEANT to be. You are capable of success. You will do great things, but it starts with discipline.

You cannot change the past anymore than you can control the future. You need to let go. You have to realize that anything that did not happen was because it was not MEANT to be. Anything that did happen was because it was MEANT to happen. God makes NO mistakes. As hard as some things are to let go, holding on is more harmful than the thing itself. Life does go on. 

Every failure was not a result of your inadequacy but simply the ending of something that was NEVER intended to be. Although, it was painful, the lesson that was learned was greater than the pain that was felt. That is why you should not regret anything that you went through. It did NOT kill you.  Instead, you learned valuable lessons. YOU grew stronger and wiser. Stop playing the victim and realize what you have gained. 

.:JRSN:.

A Look At Pain

Sometimes we have to pretend like we don’t want something in order to keep ourselves from being disappointed. We delusion ourselves into believing that we don’t want something to happen just because we know it’s not likely to happen.

All throughout our lives, we build up walls to save ourselves from hurt and disappointment. A lot of times it still doesn’t work. We still face something that we didn’t plan for.

No matter how much you plan, things don’t always turn out how we want. Pain is inevitable. Things are so painful that sometimes we just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  We have to smile to keep from crying. A smile keeps the pain from showing, keeps the world from knowing. It’s easier to smile than to explain what’s wrong. Smiling no longer represents happiness and joy, but rather it is used to disguise sorrow and pain.

Then there are times when we are hurting too much to hide the pain. An attempt at a smile only leads to tears. We hurt so much that we do everything we can to keep from crying. Crying doesn’t help anything. However, it relieves the body of stressful emotions. It makes us feel a little better. But when we wipe away our tears, the problems are still there. There are some problems that even smile and a laugh can’t fix. There is some pain that can’t be hid.

.:JRSN:.  
[ written 1/12/13 ]

Revelations

I was the girl who was always there for you, until I became the woman who had to walk away. It’s not just you, It’s not just me. It’s us together that’s the problem. I pretend that I haven’t changed. You pretend you have changed. Why do we even need to pretend?

I have to be honest with myself about you, so that I can be honest with you about me.  You love me. I love you. But somehow we have disillusioned ourselves into thinking that love is enough. We made love the maximum when in reality love is the minimum. We must have so much more than love to have a healthy relationship. We must have a mentality that is committed to commitment. We must have a mentality that will allow us to love when we don’t feel love, forgive the unforgivable and give when there is nothing left to give.

I know that I’m not enough for you, because you won’t commit to me. I know that you’re not enough for me because you won’t commit to me. I know that I deserve better.  I may want you but I don’t need you. I may love you, but I love me more.  You’re not irreplaceable. Yes, there is no one else like you, but there is someone better.

I thought this time things would be different. I thought this time that we would be forever. I was so committed and dedicated to making it work. I have always wanted to make it work. Then I realized something. If it’s meant to be, I won’t have to MAKE it work. It will just be.

.:JRSN:.