I'm Single and Thirsty

I'm Single

July 2nd. It's been EXACTLY 5 months since my relationship ended. The breakup that I thought was going to break me. For days and weeks after, I did not know how I was going to get through it. I could not believe I was single. I did not want to be single. I couldn't understand why God had allowed my relationship to fall apart. I cried and prayed and prayed and cried. Day by day, God worked on my heart. Now it's been 5 months, and I don't feel the same hurt and pain that I felt before. I never would have made it without God. I was holding on to that relationship and I was unable to heal. Once I realized "I'm single", I was able to move forward.

I'm Thirsty

July 2nd. It's been EXACTLY 1 month since I moved to San Antonio, Texas from Athens, Georgia. Since I've been in San Antonio, I realized that I'm now one of those single, thirsty women.  I know you're probably thinking "whaaaat? She actually admits to being thirsty?" Yes! I am thirsty.  According to Urban Dictionary 😊 thirsty means 1) too eager to get something or 2) desperate. Much like other singles, I am eager for love and affection. Or to be honest, I'm desperate for love and affection. I thought I was desperate for love from a man. I began to look in look in all the wrong places. However, I knew I was not in the right mental or emotional state to receive that love. I was tired of looking for fulfillment in one place and being disappointed.Then I was reminded of John 4:13-14 , Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

What This Means

 I was drinking the WRONG water! I realized that what I needed, no man could give it to me. No relationship could fill the void except a relationship with God. Yes, I'm a saved Christian. Baptized in Jesus' name and filled with the Holy Ghost. But I was thirsty for a deeper relationship with Christ. Since I've been in San Antonio, God has really been moving in my life. He has been speaking to me like never before. He has been giving me inspiration and so many great ideas. I am thankful to be feeling his presence so strongly. If you're feeling stressed, disappointed, angry, sad, you've probably been drinking the wrong water. I urge you to turn to Jesus and receive the living water.  His spirit will cause you to never be thirsty again and grant you eternal life.  I can proudly say, "I'm single and thirsty... for God's presence."

I pray that God blesses each of you who took the time to read this.

-Memoirs of Jazz

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Guard Your Heart

"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." - Proverbs 4:23
Proverbs is a book that's full of wisdom and advice to help us through life. We're instructed to guard our hearts. Too many times we open up our heart to someone that doesn't deserve it. Too many times we open our heart to a situation that is not worth it. When we become emotionally invested in something, we open ourselves up to a world of hurt. We must give our hearts to Jesus and allow him to be the keeper of our heart. Anything that doesn't line up with Jesus is not good for us. Jesus is and always will be the standard.

When it comes to relationships (romantic or platonic)  it is so important to guard your heart. When you become too invested too quickly, and things do not work out, it will be harder to get over. I recently got out of a relationship. After 10 months, it was over and all I could think  about was how much I invested. When it comes to love, we must take it slow. Songs of Solomon is a book all about romantic love. "I charge you... that ye not stir up, nor awake my love, till he please." -Songs of Solomon 2:7. This scriptures reminds us to wait on love & let it come naturally. 

While I'm sad about my relationship ending, I have to realize that God makes no mistakes. My last post was "The Bad That God Allows",  so I have to trust that God is working it out for my good. I will use this time of singleness to focus on my relationship with God, grow as a person and go after my goals. I will wait on God to send me the right person and until then I will guard my heart. 

-MemoirsOfJazz (MoJ) 

Write the Vision

It is so important to have a vision for our future. We must set goals and checkpoints of what we want to be doing and where we want to be 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now.  Once we get a vision in our head, we should write it down. “And the Lord answered me, and said, write the vision, and make it plain...” Habakkuk 2:2. Once we write a detailed description of what we hope to accomplish we should put it somewhere where we can see it every day.

 When we have a vision, we become future orientated. We don’t make decisions based on where we are now. However, we make decisions that will help us get where we want to be. People who do not have a vision are present orientated. The decisions that they make are for their short term pleasure. They lack the foresight of the things they should be doing.

Everything we say and do should be to help us bring our vision to pass. We take advantage of every situation so that we can advance and get better. A lot of people say they have visions for their future but they do not act on those goals. “Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.” –Old Proverb.

One of the things that separate the successful from the unsuccessful is sacrifice. So many people have all sorts of dreams and vision but they lack the discipline to sacrifice things that stand in their way. When you have a vision, you cannot do what everyone else does, when everyone else does it, how everyone else does it. When you have a vision, you must take a step back from everything and everybody and see what you need to eliminate from your life to get to where you want to be.

Don’t be one of those people who have big dreams but little discipline. Don’t look around wondering why everyone is advancing but you. Take control of your future. Write the Vision. 

.:JRSN:.

Looking

Looking around,

I see everyone is in pain,

Yet they smile,

But what is to gain?

Looking around,

I see everyone is in distress,

Hearts so heavy,

Who made this mess?

Looking within,

I’ve felt so much sorrow,

Cried so many tears,

Waiting for a better tomorrow,

Looking within,

This life can be rough,

I put walls up,

In my attempt to be tough,

Looking up,

I feel so much relief,

I know there’s hope,

It has replaced my grief

Looking up,

I see the light,

God made a way,

Out of this terrible plight

.:JRSN:.

5 Things We Do To Mess Up Our Lives

1.       We misinterpret people’s roles in our lives and vice versa.

      Sometimes God places people in our lives just to be our friend and encourage us or vice versa. However, we think that person is somebody who we’re supposed to be in a relationship with and we sabotage things by trying to make it romantic. The connection that we feel isn’t physical attraction, but it’s spiritual. Our spirit senses that their spirit can give us something beneficial and we don’t even know it. That’s how we miss out on good friendships and the blessings people can provide us, by trying to force it to something more and wondering why it doesn’t work.

2.       We don’t recognize our influence and the power of the tongue.

            It’s important to realize that everywhere we go, somebody is looking at us. (Not just God.) People are looking to us for approval and positive reinforcements, but our negative words bring people down. We may do this and not even realize it. We MUST realize that death and life are in the power of the tongue. (Proverbs 18:21) We MUST use our words to create and build people up, not destroy and tear people down.

3.       We let our flaws make us fearful.

      Everybody has that flaw (or two) that makes them hesitate sometimes. And if you say don’t, maybe your flaw is pride. We may not do something because we don’t think we are qualified enough. We think people won’t listen to us because of our flaws. However, we fail to realize that our flaws give us our character. Don’t let your flaws keep you from fulfilling your purpose. Sometimes we forget that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) If we didn’t have flaws, we would have no need for a perfect God. So use your “flaw” to bring you closer to God who is flawless.

4.       We let judgments of others keep us separate from them.

       Many of us are guilty of looking at someone and judging them. We may feel like we are better than them because of our accomplishments or their failures. We put ourselves on pedestals. We are so busy trying to teach people, that we don’t learn from them. How can you reach people unless you are amongst them? Remember even Jesus walked and talked with “sinners”. We need to bridge the gap between “those people” and realize that we all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

5.       We let our expectations, keep us expecting more.

      Oftentimes, we are so concerned with what others can do for us that we don’t think about what we can do for others. We expect someone to think about us and text us first, when we are already thinking about them. We expect someone to make our day better and we haven’t made any effort to brighten anyone else’s day. Don't wait on 'someone', YOU are someone! “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” –Gandhi 

.:JRSN:.

2013 Reflections: Let Go and Let God

2013 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. It was full of so much hurt, pain and disappointments. So many heartaches and headaches that I cannot even number them all. I learned in this year at age 18 and 19 what most people don’t learn until their 30s. My relationships with other people seemed to get worse as my relationship with God got stronger. God begin revealing things to me that I wasn’t ready to accept. I wasn’t ready to let go of a lot of things and people that I knew were bringing me down. It took me all the way until this month, December, for me to truly understand everything and accept it. All the sleepless nights, all the nights I spent crying, all the people who showed me their true colors. It was all for a reason. I thought I was grown at the beginning of the year but now here, the last day of the year, I realize most of my growth came this month. I understand it all now. I truly do. I realize that I don’t look like what I been through. I realize that my greater is coming. I realize that I’m more than a conqueror. I realize I had to let go and let God.

To everyone that hurt me in 2013, no hard feelings. You were a lesson. I know I hurt some people as well, whether intentional or unintentional. I know I was probably a lesson to some people. It's life. People hurt people. But I made a choice. You should too. Choose to get BETTER not BITTER !

So while 2013 was the worst year of my life, it was also the best. You see, I grew from all the bad. Like Alicia Keys said, “Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned.” Although, I experienced so much pain, I’m thankful that I was able to learn from all the pain. I don’t have to go through that stuff again, because I passed the test. All the bad is in the past. So while this year was the best year of my life, it was also the worst year. And I’m confident that this will stay the worst year of my life, as each year will get better and better as God continues to bless me. It took me to lose everything to realize that I had to let go and let God.

.:JRSN:.

Do You Appreciate My Tears?

I try so hard to hold myself together. I desperately attempt to be strong. Seeking for answers, I always seem to do wrong.

The thing about pain is that it is inevitable. We cannot live our lives without pain. To go through life trying to escape pain, is to go through life without living at all. Pain is not the issue. The issue is how we let pain affect us. Some of us let our pain wear and tear on our mental and physical state of well-being. It drains us to the point where we feel we have nothing left to give. We go through life numb. We don’t allow our hearts to feel anything, because to open our heart would present an opportunity for pain to enter. By closing our hearts, we have closed the door to growth, insight and wisdom. Pain is not simply meant to hurt us. Pain is meant to teach us a lesson: to give us experience and knowledge in a memorable sense. We can associate our pain with memories, growth and insight.

I try so hard to feel something. I desperately attempt to open my heart. It isn’t easy. By closing my heart, I blocked my own joy, peace, and sense of fulfillment.  My closed heart didn’t just keep others out, but it kept me locked in. My spirit was not able to be at peace, because I was holding back the very essence of who I am: My love and care for others.

What is pain except the absence of comfort? Growth does not come until we exit our comfort zone and embark on the journey of the unknown.

I don’t shed many tears out in the open. I prefer to cry in the solitude of my own bedroom. So when you see my tears, don’t wonder why I cry. Don’t try to figure out who did me wrong and why. Don’t pretend to understand. My tears represent more than the pain that I have experienced. They represent my past, present and future. They represent the person that I was, am, and have yet to become. When you see my tears don’t be frightened or surprised. Just appreciate them because I’m giving you confirmation of my growth. 

.:JRSN:.

[ written 620/13 ]

Don't Force It

The hardest concept to understand is that God is spiritual and because of that, he doesn't work based on time. He sees our lives as a whole. If we try to make things happen before it's time, it won't work. Even if we're sure it's the right thing. If it's not the right time, it won't work till that time. The right thing at the wrong time can ruin us. It can crush our hopes and cause us to give up. We're too impulsive and we try to make things work, but if it's meant to be, it will be unmistakably clear at the right time. 

You may try and fail 100 times, when all you needed was 101. That right time. Sometimes we are so sure someone/something is meant to be in our lives, but we have confused their role in our lives. God brings everything in our lives for a reason that we may not even know and by trying to force it in a position where it doesn't belong we can mess up what it was actually meant to do in our lives.

Like trying to push a circle-shaped block into a triangle slot, it'll never work because that's not where it was intended to be. Eventually the circle will get damaged from trying to fit where it doesn't belong and when it finally gets to the circle slot, it'll be so damaged it won't fit properly. Don’t force it.

.:JRSN:.

Stop Playing the Victim

You have the main role in every aspect of your life. You need to be more focused and not let your feelings control you. You were not meant to be mediocre. You were meant to succeed.You were not meant to just survive. You were meant to thrive. Every situation that you have gone through has made you into who you are.  It's transforming you into who you are MEANT to be. You are capable of success. You will do great things, but it starts with discipline.

You cannot change the past anymore than you can control the future. You need to let go. You have to realize that anything that did not happen was because it was not MEANT to be. Anything that did happen was because it was MEANT to happen. God makes NO mistakes. As hard as some things are to let go, holding on is more harmful than the thing itself. Life does go on. 

Every failure was not a result of your inadequacy but simply the ending of something that was NEVER intended to be. Although, it was painful, the lesson that was learned was greater than the pain that was felt. That is why you should not regret anything that you went through. It did NOT kill you.  Instead, you learned valuable lessons. YOU grew stronger and wiser. Stop playing the victim and realize what you have gained. 

.:JRSN:.

A Look At Pain

Sometimes we have to pretend like we don’t want something in order to keep ourselves from being disappointed. We delusion ourselves into believing that we don’t want something to happen just because we know it’s not likely to happen.

All throughout our lives, we build up walls to save ourselves from hurt and disappointment. A lot of times it still doesn’t work. We still face something that we didn’t plan for.

No matter how much you plan, things don’t always turn out how we want. Pain is inevitable. Things are so painful that sometimes we just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  We have to smile to keep from crying. A smile keeps the pain from showing, keeps the world from knowing. It’s easier to smile than to explain what’s wrong. Smiling no longer represents happiness and joy, but rather it is used to disguise sorrow and pain.

Then there are times when we are hurting too much to hide the pain. An attempt at a smile only leads to tears. We hurt so much that we do everything we can to keep from crying. Crying doesn’t help anything. However, it relieves the body of stressful emotions. It makes us feel a little better. But when we wipe away our tears, the problems are still there. There are some problems that even smile and a laugh can’t fix. There is some pain that can’t be hid.

.:JRSN:.  
[ written 1/12/13 ]

Revelations

I was the girl who was always there for you, until I became the woman who had to walk away. It’s not just you, It’s not just me. It’s us together that’s the problem. I pretend that I haven’t changed. You pretend you have changed. Why do we even need to pretend?

I have to be honest with myself about you, so that I can be honest with you about me.  You love me. I love you. But somehow we have disillusioned ourselves into thinking that love is enough. We made love the maximum when in reality love is the minimum. We must have so much more than love to have a healthy relationship. We must have a mentality that is committed to commitment. We must have a mentality that will allow us to love when we don’t feel love, forgive the unforgivable and give when there is nothing left to give.

I know that I’m not enough for you, because you won’t commit to me. I know that you’re not enough for me because you won’t commit to me. I know that I deserve better.  I may want you but I don’t need you. I may love you, but I love me more.  You’re not irreplaceable. Yes, there is no one else like you, but there is someone better.

I thought this time things would be different. I thought this time that we would be forever. I was so committed and dedicated to making it work. I have always wanted to make it work. Then I realized something. If it’s meant to be, I won’t have to MAKE it work. It will just be.

.:JRSN:.